A Spinning Top

There is a place I go near my house where I can sit and feel the world breathe in and out. I go here at night, while walking my dog, and listen to my ipod. And I take a break from the purgatory that is my daily life. I hate waiting more than I hate
"president" bush (and that's a lot), and it's been all I've been doing lately. My house is thisclose to being sold, and if it is, we will be moved out by September first.

I sit in my place, which is at the top of a steep hill on my old high school's soccer field, and look at the life moving within my line of sight. Usually it's a few cars, late at night, and the breeze on my face. It's streetlights and traffic lights and the sky, which is, as expected, dark and expansive, oftentimes filled with stars obscured by light of the town. I sit here and ponder, and I'm truly alone, so much that I can feel it surrounding me like water.

Tonight, as such nights allow, I listened to nostalgic songs from last summer. It made me feel complicated and sad and hollow and wonderful and hopeful and unattached. It reminded me how quickly things can change, and have changed, and how I hate missing more than I hate waiting, which is a lot.

Tonight, I could see time rush by, till I could see the fall, a new neighbourhood with a new place to sit. I only hope that there, I won't feel my hollowness as much, and I hope I'll be able to forget the sadness and move on in my life. Because there is nothing I hate more than regret. I hate regret more than I hate missing or waiting or president bush. and those are a lot.

Down and out, guys. I am down and out.



Next up: Why I Am An Escapist.

Wrong At The Worst Of Times.

Emotional highs really are a curse. Perhaps I need the other kind of high, the kind that comes from breathing in and holding. Emotional highs make me think I'm really all right, that everything in my sphere is working seamlessly, and nothing will ever be wrong again.

I was wrong when I thought that.

This morning a For Sale sign went up on my lawn. It's a relief, it is, because it means that hopefully soon we will be able to make our plans for the move. But it's the end of an era. It's the end of my life here, although not completely so, because wherever there are things I love, I will be there in spirit. The things I love about Orangeville are many, and right now the thing I love the most is the breeze from the backyard, with it's Ontario lush-feeling, farmer's fields and the smell of hay on a bright and beautiful sunny day. I'll miss the trees here.

It is just one of those days. Stay tuned for more Ontario nostalgia, coming at you from Orangeville, Ontario.

And I leave for camp next week.