This morning, everything in my house was moved onto a truck and carted away. You'd think that such a thing would be sad, but in my mind, it's progress. I'm already thinking Calgary. Part of me is already in the west, ready to start a new chapter in my life and write more cliched analogies. Since being back from camp, I've seen and talked to so many of my new and old friends it seems almost ridiculous. But it's not ridiculous at all, oh no, it's wonderful because I miss all of them and wish I weren't leaving them behind. Leaving them behind?
Am I afraid to move to a new city, where I know no one?
Truthfully, I'm mostly not thinking about it except for vague plans like getting a job and training for a marathon. I'm sure that once I get there, and once I get settled, I'll miss here so absolutelyfreakingmuch. It's all a part of this, though. I accept the risks, and I am so ready for the highs and the lows that I'll experience.
The only thing left here now is me, and once my parents fly out on Saturday morning, I'll no longer have a home in Orangeville. I won't have a home in the only place I've really ever known. One week short of my 20th birthday and I am uprooted and flailing. I am worried that I'll forget to say goodbye to someone or something. Is everything I love here imprinted in my mind, ready to bring back to memory if I need it? Have I fully absorbed every bit of this?
Of course. I've lived here for the last 20 years of my life.
And as for him, as for him... I really don't know. The only thing I know is that I hold him in high esteem and I don't want to let him go. Not completely, not yet, not ever? I just wish he'd let me know where he is, how he is, and if he ever thinks of me.
That is all.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Everything's Not Lost
The weather is already cooling, and camp is turning into a dream. I find lately that I prefer my camp friends over my old friends, not for any real reason other than the fact that I just spent the last 9 weeks of my life with the same people, the people that know me now, and know the real me. We have a whole summer in common, a summer that tried our patience, left us perpetually exhausted, and thrilled us. We revel in the memories of that time, and the memories of each other, and wish we were together again. Camp allowed us to leave our external worries until the end of the summer, and allowed us to leave the real world behind for a while.
The thing I'm really struggling with lately is not loneliness, as I'd feared, but rather balancing those summer relationships with current life. I forget how far away everyone is, and when I remember, it's like a punch in the chest. I don't know when I'll see most of them again, and it's even harder when I know I'll be moving even further away. I still dream of them. I still dream of the breeze at camp, off the lake.
I'm listening to Coldplay's Parachutes tonight, and it reminds me of the fall of Grade 11, when I first starting listening to this album obsessively. Before they were lame and the next big thing. It's the cool weather and the sweaters, and reminds me of high school and cross country team practice. And chocolate Vector bars, which used to eat on the 20 minute walk to school as breakfast.
The one thing that this cool weather makes me wish?
That I was going back to school. Moving into my new place with my roommate, preparing for classes, partying before the real work begins. Can't have one without the other, and that realization helps me understand the full brunt of my decision to leave school for a year.
UP NEXT:
Why My Camera Deserves To Burn In Hell.
The thing I'm really struggling with lately is not loneliness, as I'd feared, but rather balancing those summer relationships with current life. I forget how far away everyone is, and when I remember, it's like a punch in the chest. I don't know when I'll see most of them again, and it's even harder when I know I'll be moving even further away. I still dream of them. I still dream of the breeze at camp, off the lake.
I'm listening to Coldplay's Parachutes tonight, and it reminds me of the fall of Grade 11, when I first starting listening to this album obsessively. Before they were lame and the next big thing. It's the cool weather and the sweaters, and reminds me of high school and cross country team practice. And chocolate Vector bars, which used to eat on the 20 minute walk to school as breakfast.
The one thing that this cool weather makes me wish?
That I was going back to school. Moving into my new place with my roommate, preparing for classes, partying before the real work begins. Can't have one without the other, and that realization helps me understand the full brunt of my decision to leave school for a year.
UP NEXT:
Why My Camera Deserves To Burn In Hell.
Friday, August 18, 2006
You Could Be Happy
I've been home for 12 hours now- listening to the same 11 songs on speakers I've set up in the bathroom, eating 1% cottage cheese out of the container BECAUSE I CAN, and lying on the floor sobbing my eyes out. I made Winter White Earl Grey tea with soy milk, got a phone call from Texas, and am trying to get used to being back home.
I can't cry now because I've put makeup on, even though I barely wore makeup all summer. My hair never got flatironed and very rarely blowdried, and I didn't even wear sunscreen all summer (gasp!).
My house is filled with packed or half-packed boxes, and all the art is off the walls. Mum is making reservations to ship our cats in a plane, and I am going to start mapping my driving route from Orangeville, Ontario to Calgary, Alberta.
Saying goodbye in a parking lot is always slightly romantic, but all I could say to him was "this isn't goodbye, this isn't goodbye". The lights were bright at this particular gas station, and of course I couldn't cry- I saved my tears for when I got to be alone. I haven't been alone in the last 9 weeks- how am I going to handle it now?
My bed seemed too big when I crawled into it last night, and all my dreams were of my camp people, crazy dreams that didn't allow me to remember where I would be waking up:
Home.
I can't cry now because I've put makeup on, even though I barely wore makeup all summer. My hair never got flatironed and very rarely blowdried, and I didn't even wear sunscreen all summer (gasp!).
My house is filled with packed or half-packed boxes, and all the art is off the walls. Mum is making reservations to ship our cats in a plane, and I am going to start mapping my driving route from Orangeville, Ontario to Calgary, Alberta.
Saying goodbye in a parking lot is always slightly romantic, but all I could say to him was "this isn't goodbye, this isn't goodbye". The lights were bright at this particular gas station, and of course I couldn't cry- I saved my tears for when I got to be alone. I haven't been alone in the last 9 weeks- how am I going to handle it now?
My bed seemed too big when I crawled into it last night, and all my dreams were of my camp people, crazy dreams that didn't allow me to remember where I would be waking up:
Home.
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