This, I Never Knew.

I'm back from Halifax. I had a fantastic time in an old, old city, nestled next to the stormy Atlantic. Sushi, drag queens, cruise ships, late night talks with heron birds on the waterfront, drives to Sydney and back. Our road race in Cape Breton was cancelled due to weather (Sunday morning), so we went for a run anyway and called it a day. We visited Eamonn in Antigonish, and I'll never shake the feeling that I went back in time about 20 or 30 years when I went to Nova Scotia.

We saw Marie Antoinette (bad, bad, bad), ate a vegan dinner, went for a few twilit runs in the park on the point (along that ocean again), drank wine, laughed, laughed, laughed. I have a new BFF, naturally. Or not so new, just newly.. confirmed. Dalhousie University is gorgeous.

I thought a lot on this trip. I had lots of time to think, as I had connections in Toronto and Montreal, and lots of idleness. I thought about us, about me, about my future, about my friends and future endeavours. I'm tired of thinking now. I would like to stop.

And I would like to be alone for a long, long time. Not completely alone, but I don't want to date anyone for a long while. I'm happy now. Happy. Alone.

It's Officially Official:

I am backpacking Europe and the UK this spring! Tentatively from the middle of March till the middle of May. We shall see what comes of those dates for sure. Cities I am planning on visiting:
Ireland:
Dublin, Belfast

Scotland:
Glasgow, Loch Ness, Edinburgh

England/Wales:
London, Cardiff, North Wales

Spain:
Madrid, Barcelona

France:
Paris*, Nice*, Avignon*

Italy:
Florence*, Venice

Greece:
Athens

Portugal:
Lisbon

aaaaand, if possible, Switzerland and The Netherlands. And Belgium for good measure. This list will most likely expand.

I leave for Halifax on Tuesday night.

Candice, this site needs an update. If you can help me with my archives and layout (whenever you get some spare time! If ever!) I'd absolutely love it.


* denotes somewhere I've already been.

Set Fire

My boss (the coolest manager of my life) got to see the New Pornographers for free the other night because he's got friends in the band. If only. I leave for Halifax on Tuesday night, and I'm so excited by oh my god also nervous.

I have the whole weekend off! I don't know what to do with myself!

And last but not least, I think I am going to travel this coming year instead of going to school.

That is all.

Baby, You're The Only Light I Ever Saw

This past Sunday, something momentous happened.

I got some baaaaad news. And it makes me feel lost, anxious, relieved, terrified, free. How often does your quasi-boyfriend tell you he thinks he's gay? The boy you spent your whole summer with, shared awesome and sometimes perplexing memories with?

It all makes sense now. The only problem is, where does this leave me?

And better yet, how is the trip to visit him next week going to go?

Sunnyside Station

Today my heart feels sick. I feel unwanted and unmentioned, I crave a good cry and wish I could remember what to write and why. I'm missing everything all at once, so much that it is caving in on me and if feelings were bricks, I'd be crushed instantly. I can't even pinpoint what it is that I need, it's just a vague space right in the middle of my being that is screaming out in agony.

I feel unnaturally angry, although only at times, flaring and so much more painful. I wish I could feel like I was doing more in the world. I wish I had time to do more in the world.

I wish I could be so much more.

Today I was sitting in a tea house, staring straight down a long stretch of road that comes right from the foothills, thinking only of later and feeling so calm that it was almost unreal.

Today I was standing on a moving train, forming a million thoughts and ideas and concepts and plans in my head, while the afternoon sun faded into darkening clouds.

Today I remembered what I thought I had forgotten.

Today was an epiphany, and taken one step further, it would have been all of my recent dreams crashing into each other and becoming one.

But now, when today is almost tomorrow, I have forgotten everything I'd remembered. I forget those perfect ideas and almost forget how beautiful my world can be. I wish I had someone here to remind me how it was.

Cursed With

It's the afternoon I spent months ago, a year ago even, in a house where the early morning light slid across the ancient wooden floor. I burn the same incense on the same afternoon, sliding into oblivion in my cozy little bed, for I no longer wish to be conscious. I do the same activity to reach the same result, knowing I only want to pass the time. A few things are different in this place, for a year ago I couldn't watch the sun slide below the mountains any night of the week, or hear my mother move around downstairs in the kitchen. I used to enjoy my solitude, where the melancholy could sink in, and where I could let it. I miss my old house where I could be alone. I miss the quiet uncertainty of my life there, where my life was entirely up to me and I allowed my time to go to waste.

I still love this time of year, it's so completely me that I should walk out and sink into the fallen leaves and never return. I wish I could disappear so easily.

And tonight, while I lay in bed, listening to the clock ticking and wishing I could sleep, I will hope for the rest of this month to pass as quickly as possible. It feels like my life is on hold now. I'm so far, in time and in space, from all I hold dear. Everything that I fear will go away in just a matter of time, whether I want it to or not.