If Only In My Dreams

I like waking up before the sun rises, getting ready for work in the dark, and arriving at the bus stop just as the sun touches the horizon from below. The clouds light up in shades of purple and red and orange, and I am alone at my stop, dressed and ready for another day. I like being on the bus with everyone else, feeling as if I am a part of the greater picture, a small person in a large world, going about my day.

I suppose Christmas is coming soon, although I can barely feel it. I spend my days catering to the needs of others, whether it's a t-shirt for the boyfriend, denim for the son, hoodie for the granddaughter. I write out gift receipts and put collapsed boxes in bags, reassure anxious buyers that yes, the hoodie will fit, and yes, if it doesn't, you can bring it back (as long as it's before the 7th of January and you have your receipt!). I always feel cold inside. I wish I knew how to warm me up. I wish I could feel Christmas.

I leave for Toronto next Thursday, to see my favourite people and favourite places. I'm hoping this New Year's Eve will be better than the last (oh, isn't that what we always wish for), or, at the very least, that I will remember it this time.

There are days like today where nothing really makes sense, and I can imagine myself in a million other scenerios, ones in which I am capable of complete, utter happiness. These moments have been happening far too often. This is where I can see the years behind me, so far away, and the years ahead stretched out so that I can't see the end. And yet it seems, there is never enough time.

Renata's Bests of December (so far):
+Crave
+Band of Horses
+Oolong Tea House
+Air Canada
+my new cell phone
+christmas lights
+eggnog

Merry New Year and Happy Chrismukkah, everyone.

In The Devil's Territory

Sunday morning.

My mother is sick in bed, has been for a couple days now, and she may need to go back to the hospital. I hate being here all alone with her like this, it's depressing and upsetting. I can handle it, but I don't want to live it alone. Now I understand why it helps to have people around to support you, why family is so important.

Tonight is my work Christmas party. I am planning on drinking as much as I can in order to numbify my circumstances, my shortcomings, and my disappointments. I miss my friends. I am strong, but sometimes I feel as if I am not strong enough, not enough to bear all that is bestowed upon me. I wish for an escape. A rescue, even. Something to take me away from it all.

I sometimes forget to eat enough, between working, my almost daily visits to the gym, and my now-often anxiety. I've realized that I am getting too good at being distant and cold, because it hurts less. I need to be careful to not get too thin. It might just happen one day, I'll realize that a part of me is missing. And by then, it'll be too late.

Fred Astaire

Last night, I discovered the Documentary section at Blockbuster. Before this, I had assumed that only tiny, independent movie stores had such sections, and that only tiny, independent movie stores could fulfill my inherent need for independent films, foreign films, and documentaries. I am both overjoyed and disappointed by this revelation.

I also discovered Twinings tea at Safeway, which basically means that I will be enjoying authentic Irish Breakfast and Earl Grey whenever I feel the need. On my to-do list is a visit to Oolong Tea House in Kensington to top up my stash of Market Spice black tea and take a long walk along the river.

On Tuesday night, the girls and I went downtown to see our manager perform with his band at the HiFi club. It was the coldest night of our cold wave, and your typical indie-rock scene: bottles of beer and tables lit by tea lights, tattoos and awesome hair among the 20-and-30-something sceners. The club itself had the perfect artistic touch, murals on the walls reminiscent of your favourite iPod commercial.

The mall I work at became instantly busier yesterday, it being December 1st. The collective consciousness became aware that yes, it is December, and yes, Christmas is imminent, and if you do not start your shopping now, death will come swiftly and painfully. I haven't started my shopping.