If Only In My Dreams

I like waking up before the sun rises, getting ready for work in the dark, and arriving at the bus stop just as the sun touches the horizon from below. The clouds light up in shades of purple and red and orange, and I am alone at my stop, dressed and ready for another day. I like being on the bus with everyone else, feeling as if I am a part of the greater picture, a small person in a large world, going about my day.

I suppose Christmas is coming soon, although I can barely feel it. I spend my days catering to the needs of others, whether it's a t-shirt for the boyfriend, denim for the son, hoodie for the granddaughter. I write out gift receipts and put collapsed boxes in bags, reassure anxious buyers that yes, the hoodie will fit, and yes, if it doesn't, you can bring it back (as long as it's before the 7th of January and you have your receipt!). I always feel cold inside. I wish I knew how to warm me up. I wish I could feel Christmas.

I leave for Toronto next Thursday, to see my favourite people and favourite places. I'm hoping this New Year's Eve will be better than the last (oh, isn't that what we always wish for), or, at the very least, that I will remember it this time.

There are days like today where nothing really makes sense, and I can imagine myself in a million other scenerios, ones in which I am capable of complete, utter happiness. These moments have been happening far too often. This is where I can see the years behind me, so far away, and the years ahead stretched out so that I can't see the end. And yet it seems, there is never enough time.

Renata's Bests of December (so far):
+Crave
+Band of Horses
+Oolong Tea House
+Air Canada
+my new cell phone
+christmas lights
+eggnog

Merry New Year and Happy Chrismukkah, everyone.