Manners

[[[these are what I dream about... (courtesy my friend Kirsty Eckhard)]]]

Well, here I go neglecting my blog again. Being on a computer all day at work insures that I don't have the urgency to get back on the computer once I get home, and days melt into weeks... either way, I promised myself I wouldn't be too hard on me about writing. Writing is supposed to be something I do when I feel the inclination and have the motivation, otherwise it's crap! Right? CRAP.

So anyways.

With that off my chest.. I have been feeling lighter these days. A conscious decision to make myself happier. Doing things I love. Using my senses as a tool, a connection to life. I long to feel the warm breeze on my face, to hear a nighttime's worth of rain dripping down the gutters and along the curb, to go for a long bike ride on a sunny afternoon. These are the things I dream about, but even reality isn't too bad- beautiful winter sunsets on the iciest of days, luxuriating in Friday evenings by myself, treating myself to just a few little things that bring me joy. A haircut. An afternoon at the mall with a friend, an afternoon with a book.

I hope this lightness lasts. It feels like hope. Hope for a better job, the sun to shine, for so many more memories.

Music of the week:
La Roux
Icona Pop
Passion Pit
The Phenomenal Handclap Band
(anything with a good beat and lyrics...)
(if I walk to work with this stuff on.. my whole day is better.)

[[[but this is what I got.]]]

just a thought-

-imagine how awesome life would be if we all spoke in Ebonics?

I know, right?

Hello 100.

Blog number 100 today. I have been blogging since 2006 and every year so far has diminished. Aiming for change this year. "The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."


Listening to this week:
Junior Boys
Dreamsploitation
The Banjo Consorsium
Ministry of Sound - Chillout Sessions 10
Andrew Bird - Noble Beasts
Laura Barrett

Bon soir, mon amies. It's payday tomorrow!

eyes closing slowly

almost falling asleep in the chair as I write this- listening to The Signal Podcast from CBC, waiting on this dark night to bring my boy home, and waiting for sleep. I must confess- I'm addicted. My life, moving or still, revolves around this music right now. And also- the weather today was warmer than usual, the wind stronger, the very kind of day where one's heart could be held aloft.

The Depths of January

I can so clearly remember this time last year- it seems like no time has passed. Except now, I've graduated, I live across the country, I live with my boyfriend, my friends are far away, and my life has taken a 180. I still feel the winter blah (mindnumbing fist clenching quiet loud darkness with no hope) that I did last year, though not to the same degree. I am so grateful to not be sitting in the library trying to write papers, thinking only of other things, trying to force myself to focus. I don't miss the dry dusty snowlessness of Peterborough last winter, where the only entertainment was located inside nearby houses on weekend nights, or the softly lit and loudly sounded bars downtown. It's so funny how that sad winter blossomed into one of the most beautiful and hot summers in Ontario since I was a kid- as if the world were fighting back.

I now yearn for spring to come, daring the sun to rise before 8:30am, when I have already been awake for 2 hours in complete darkness- like an unreality or alternate life my netherself would be living... And for a warm breeze on my face, the sun, bare legs, beers on patios. And beautiful dawn..

Oh, Oh, Oh, How I've Done Myself In

Sometimes, all I can think about is the past. Nostalgia has its way of creeping into my life for minutes at a time, and all I can do is bring back the feelings I had there and try to re-live it. I'm trying hard to work on the present, and let go of all that's behind me, but snippets of Peterborough still filter through. And it's not even as if I want to go back, right now, because if I did, the life I would experience there would not be the same as then- and I want to preserve then as well as I can.

The things I miss can't really be put into words. Is it the smell of the Quaker factory on a winter's afternoon? Is it the breeze through the maples in our old backyard, or the rain through the oak tree that I used to love? Is it sitting in a dimly lit bar on a Thursday night, nursing a drink and having the best talks with my best friends? Is it walking home alone as the snow falls all around, dreaming of others? Is it the fall nights when I used to run through the neighbourhood, the breeze on my face? Is it sitting at Natalie's or Sheena's, getting ready to go out, talking, excited, wine in hand? Is it biking to summer school along the river, feeling so free, feeling so alive? I can't pick just one of these- it's a culmination, and so many other moments besides.


It's the ones where I get a half-memory from a song I once loved, a memory of a certain touch, a certain feeling. A boy I was in love with from afar, trying to remember the night before, trying to remember that kiss. Trying to remember how it felt to be alive then, when my life could have blossomed any thousands of ways. The music I lived, the tastes, the smells.

Time now for me to live as I did then. To live with my eyes, heart and mind wide open to what I can feel and hear. And maybe if I think positive, I will get myself to that place again.

it's okay...

and I can't get these out of my head:

One way road, don't care what I find
A little thunder's good, thought maybe you would
but it's okay, we all feel left out
sometimes growing up, it can get you down.

I give you something that no one's gonna give you
my sleeping skin and my heart deep down in you
I'll never tell you, but you're my little scar
Goodbyes are hard and they're hard and they're hard

The First (okay, second) Day of the Year

I made a decision, amongst many, that I would write in my blog much more often this year (in fact, I decided to write in it every day). As luck would have it, I completely forgot to write in it on the first day of the year. However, following with my newly adopted attitude to "just do it", I am totally fine with just starting today instead.

There are a few reasons why I've decided to do this. First, I noticed a sadly declining amount of posts since 2006 and thought "I can do way better than that!". Second, I noticed that my writing in general has declined in quality and quantity and I am hoping to change both.

So- happy 2011! 2010 was a sad year in so many ways, not necessarily for me, but for the world. I, like many, am hoping that we have some good news this year. Personally, I had a ton of "big life changes" happen and am only now starting to recover. I've made the conscious decision to change my outlook and work harder at, well, everything. More on that later.

So now, I bid the world hello again, I'm here. The world is bright.