Jesus H. JAMBA JUICE!

Just a litte update. J actually was pretty "sweet like that", it took him less than 24 hours to call me back. Then I saw him, and it was awesome, and I feel awesome now. And other things happened that were a little less than awesome, like telling him that I'm moving (and I got the "unpleasant surprise" face with that), but otherwise, it was pretty darn lovely. Oh, J. Juicy Jalopy Jamming Jauntily. Jemima.

And I got some new clothes and a new pair of sunglasses, both of which I don't need at all, and spent some quality time with (as Candice puts it) my marmela.

Orangeville is still lame, and I believe Jess will agree with me on that one. Mary, you suck because we didn't hang out this weekend. Sarah, you suck because you're not home yet. Everyone else, you suck because you're not in Orangeville enjoying the lame-osity of it with us. I'm just bitter.

Back In Eastern Standard Time (DST)

The jet-lag is causing me insomnia, but boy oh boy is it nice to be back in rainy Ontario! I bet my tan is going to fade QUICKLY, quickly and wonderfully, until I am back to my pale, unhappy self. I called J, who according to his machine message would call me back as soon as possible because he's "sweet like that". J, you are totally not "sweet like that". I'm being honest here. Maybe you should consider that, too. Maybe you should be honest and just say "You've reached J! I've obviously missed your call, so I will call you back when I feel like it, be it 2 hours, 2 weeks, or hell, even 2 years, cause I'm sweet like that".

I guess he doesn't know I'll be leaving the country again in 3 weeks (for 2 months), or that I'm leaving the province for good at the end of the summer. I haven't mentioned those little niggles to him yet. I would rather not go through this again. I don't like being in limbo, it only makes me angry and violent and throw things until I get what I want, or what I need. And believe me, I have good aim. I'd like to see him. It is that simple. When I see him, I will be able to decipher my feelings, sort through them, and toss all the useless feelings into the garbage (where they belong!).

Otherwise, home is pretty good. Mum missed me, and Lionel misses me, and California cried the morning I left. Orangeville is still pretty lame (oh, suburbs. I hate that you define my existence), and we're putting our house up for sale in 2 weeks purely because Orangeville is lame. Oh, and did I mention that Orangeville is lame?

Tonight there was a spider in my room. Thank god for my cat Rosie (she who ensures I'll never be alone, or lonely, while she's with me) who likes to eat spiders like people eat candy. So the spider is now well-eaten and in Rosie's stomach, and I love her for it, lest a spider end up in my ear/hair/nose/esophagus tomorrow morning.

Rosie likes to flirt with a handsome black tomcat that comes around sometimes, until I tell her he's not good enough for her, and then she grudgingly gives up.

I love that cat.

Lines Bleed.

Put my best foot forward, knees buckle and hurt. Now it's official, and I don't know how. I think I'm too small now- to look you in the eye. Walk a tightrope on my way home, keep looking over to fall over, and I know everything's my fault. Stay here until I'm finally caught, wait and see... Who will get here first? Why is everyone so rehearsed? Tell me why the only lines I like bleed, and I'll meet you at the bottom- along the coral reef. If you left on a Saturday, I swear I'll never forgive you. Don't leave me here. But if you leave on a Wednesday...
Put my best foot forward...
-Lines Bleed by Pony Up!

I only wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I knew what I could have. That sorrow fills me up again, and I can't remember why I breathe. I hang in limbo so I can forget to feel, pretending life is good without my heart (and even better, without you). I'd love to get away from my blue, J, but you never let me. Without even knowing, you've unpeeled me, and it scares me to death that you can see me from the inside out.

Trees, Trees, Trees.

Driving along the freeway from Dublin, driving through Crow Canyon in the rain. This weekend it's Muir Woods and Berkeley. The sunset falling below the coastal fog and my face in the breeze, the eucalyptus along the 680.

Walked among the redwoods, trod along the Golden Gate Bridge. Hairpin turns and switchbacks, beautiful earthy boys running steep trails, the downtown San Francisco's Pacific Heights. Multi-million-dollar homes. The place movies are made.

I'm exhausted. And I hate my stupid-ass face.

PICTURES!

that's me among the trees, I seem so lost.

This Is The Way Things Are.

dear whoever rules the universe:

thank you for allowing my brain to go on vacation, for the first time since I can remember. not only is my body relaxing in the California sunshine, but my mind is taking a break as well.

Lionel's apartment complex houses many interesting creatures, such as the large black woman who softly sing-songs "Lionel!" as she walks past the screen door. The young man who teaches himself karate from a book in the courtyard during daylight hours, and reads in the cafe across the street at night.

The pool is lit up in the evenings, beckoning, even though there's a sign that says "No Pool Use After Dark". What, then, is the sense of having the pool lit at all? So offenders can be caught?

I go for walks in the afternoons, where i can smell every kind of blossom and rose bloom, citrus trees and the Santa Ana winds from the desert. Palm trees and hemlocks. I sun in the courtyard, and now that the pool is open, I'll be swimming. After that, I'll head to Starbucks and get a Grande Iced Green Tea Latte With Soy. And then maybe I'll head to the Mexican Phone Company (Taco Bell) to get some cheap eats. But only because I'm here.

I stay up late. I think about hardly anything, and I am so grateful for this.

Streaming Stream, Life's Dream.

We are here face to face not only with pain as a condition of redemption, but rather with absolute beauty as one of its consequences.


californians can be quite a nice bunch. the air here is heavy, yet the heat is dry and the sun pours down, clouds in the sky or not. consumerism is rampant, yet normal people are all over the place. i might be beautiful here. love can happen. i only need half of what i have, i don't need anyone else and i'm getting more comfortable, in my own skin and all over the world. music is what i need. my life has been focused on independence- now it's about change, i'm changing now, and that is how i no longer need you. i need stream-of-consciousness, eye contact, and for any sincere moment. ahead of me is fire, hope, and an egg. helping and distracting are hoping for changing. fountains, gates of freedom and living with my eyes wide open.

sirens for the inevitable, the sky stretches out towards the ocean. the sky falls no more softly when the world ends as any other time. living is easy with eyes closed. stains and scars i can't explain, hoping that my mother will be able to finally realize herself and realize that she doesn't have to live in fear. fear is wasted energy. fear is nothing to be proud of. pride is vain, pride ruins people, and pride makes insecurity valiant. vanity is poetry and never allows for inadequacy.
this body is my vessel, my temple, and the reason i can survive. this face can be a curse, for it can make me assume i am being treated fairly, when in reality, fair is as negotiable as cost. cost is weighed heavily. what is the cost? why must money be a deciding factor?

no one person is better than anyone else. being a white girl does have it's advantages, but it also can make me stand out in ways that make me vastly uncomfortable. because i am a white girl, i am accepted most everywhere, but it disallows anonymity. trying even halfway gets me noticed in ways i'd rather not be. next time, i will allow my hair to do as it pleases. i don't want to be done. i am so glad for my freedoms, i am so glad i have what i have and that i am constantly changing. to be the same forever is worse than a death sentence. change is constant. fire is welcoming this time, i'd walk into the fire without as much as a glance backwards. i already have. but i will not burn, and i haven't.

today i heard my name at the drugstore. there were two little girls standing behind me as i marveled at the selection of chocolate and chocolate-related items, and one called the other one Renata, i'm so sure, and it was startling because i was meant to be there then, out of all the moments in these girls' lives. i was there then.
i am in that place i'd always dreamed of. i am here, i am here, and everything goes my way because that's how i expect it to. it's turned into a camera lens and careful days.

i step carefully every inch i go, i accept and move on and wish i could live without attachment. you are the favourite of my dreams. my every dream boy, you live in my alternate world and it is there that we are together. we begin the odyssey. we live in the foothills, we walk along the boardwalks and the beaches. we swim with our lungs full of air, floating in the sea of love, floating like we'll never forget. floating as we walk the streets of the whole world, the small town of our past colouring every new adventure. i'm only like this with you because i'm far away, and it is easier to dream here without you. i'm in love without knowing. i keep everyone at arm's reach, it is easier to live that way, it is easier to fall. it keeps the knot in my stomach alive. it keeps me awake and cold.


living is a dream

Hrmm.

I just hope that my plane doesn't crash while flying over the Midwestern United States, LOST style. Surviving out there would sure be a bitch!

Probably worse than the Bermuda Triangle.


I suppose I will start packing now.

Loved, Lost, Losing, Lying, Loving, Crying.

This week is blowing me away. It's funny how the more you let go and the more you try to forget, the more surprising things can be. The cast of characters in my life have proven to be recurring ones, much to my astonishment, and now I know that we'll see where this can go.

I missed him so much. I missed him so much that I had to let go before my love for him rotted me inside. I let go. I still dreamt about it, but I let go.

And then? Just when I least expected it. Now it's flowers. Now it's something that we can maybe patch up, maybe we can forget what we saw in each other that was nothing but disappointment. Maybe we can be us again. Maybe we can be the unstoppable.

Maybe it'll never be the same. But for this, I am prepared. I won't let all the walls down, but I'll try to not be so cold. All I know is disappointment, so if there is something other than that, my life turns to nothing but roses.

And yes, I do believe I'll call you when I get back.

Blue & Orange.

I've been ripping holes in all my pairs of jeans. I've been dressing like I've been left on a desert island for weeks. I've been braiding my hair and decorating myself with warpaint. My mind has gone on vacation. I've been obesessed with the show LOST. I've watched 20 episodes in 5 days.

My week has been one of relaxation. The seemingly never-ending trauma week that was exams, funerals, moving, and retribution is OVER. I've been eating ice cream, doing laundry, assembling furniture, and making peace with myself and my circumstances. Even being in Orangeville isn't ruining me yet.

I haven't even begun to prepare for my trip to San Francisco- a place I'm hoping will continue to allow me to move on. I know it will never completely stop affecting me, I just hope I can stop dreaming about it. I leave Thursday morning. Will two weeks be enough? The last thing I want to admit is that all I want is to be with you. It's the truth, but you'd have to twist my arm and force-feed me foie gras before I'd ever tell you.

Yesterday I got my US work visa in the mail. As of June 15th, I will be a legal alien in the United States of America. Has a nice ring to it, no? It's still one of the most random things that has ever happened to me. Among a LOT of random things. Whatever- I can go with the flow.

The kettle still works, despite being thrown across the room and smashed by a frying pan. This means I can still have my daily Earl Grey. Hot, not cold.

And since this entry has been the most LiveJournal yet (barf), I'll add that this Tuesday is the season finale of Veronica Mars (my absolute favourite television show for those of you who aren't familiar) and I will probably have a heart attack while watching it. Just a head's up.

I am continually exhausted.