We are here face to face not only with pain as a condition of redemption, but rather with absolute beauty as one of its consequences.
californians can be quite a nice bunch. the air here is heavy, yet the heat is dry and the sun pours down, clouds in the sky or not. consumerism is rampant, yet normal people are all over the place. i might be beautiful here. love can happen. i only need half of what i have, i don't need anyone else and i'm getting more comfortable, in my own skin and all over the world. music is what i need. my life has been focused on independence- now it's about change, i'm changing now, and that is how i no longer need you. i need stream-of-consciousness, eye contact, and for any sincere moment. ahead of me is fire, hope, and an egg. helping and distracting are hoping for changing. fountains, gates of freedom and living with my eyes wide open.
sirens for the inevitable, the sky stretches out towards the ocean. the sky falls no more softly when the world ends as any other time. living is easy with eyes closed. stains and scars i can't explain, hoping that my mother will be able to finally realize herself and realize that she doesn't have to live in fear. fear is wasted energy. fear is nothing to be proud of. pride is vain, pride ruins people, and pride makes insecurity valiant. vanity is poetry and never allows for inadequacy.
this body is my vessel, my temple, and the reason i can survive. this face can be a curse, for it can make me assume i am being treated fairly, when in reality, fair is as negotiable as cost. cost is weighed heavily. what is the cost? why must money be a deciding factor?
no one person is better than anyone else. being a white girl does have it's advantages, but it also can make me stand out in ways that make me vastly uncomfortable. because i am a white girl, i am accepted most everywhere, but it disallows anonymity. trying even halfway gets me noticed in ways i'd rather not be. next time, i will allow my hair to do as it pleases. i don't want to be done. i am so glad for my freedoms, i am so glad i have what i have and that i am constantly changing. to be the same forever is worse than a death sentence. change is constant. fire is welcoming this time, i'd walk into the fire without as much as a glance backwards. i already have. but i will not burn, and i haven't.
today i heard my name at the drugstore. there were two little girls standing behind me as i marveled at the selection of chocolate and chocolate-related items, and one called the other one Renata, i'm so sure, and it was startling because i was meant to be there then, out of all the moments in these girls' lives. i was there then.
i am in that place i'd always dreamed of. i am here, i am here, and everything goes my way because that's how i expect it to. it's turned into a camera lens and careful days.
i step carefully every inch i go, i accept and move on and wish i could live without attachment. you are the favourite of my dreams. my every dream boy, you live in my alternate world and it is there that we are together. we begin the odyssey. we live in the foothills, we walk along the boardwalks and the beaches. we swim with our lungs full of air, floating in the sea of love, floating like we'll never forget. floating as we walk the streets of the whole world, the small town of our past colouring every new adventure. i'm only like this with you because i'm far away, and it is easier to dream here without you. i'm in love without knowing. i keep everyone at arm's reach, it is easier to live that way, it is easier to fall. it keeps the knot in my stomach alive. it keeps me awake and cold.
living is a dream
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