Again, a jazzy morning with my black cat and black coffee. It's raining. I recently discovered that I have been having an anxiety attack for the last week- I haven't been able to sleep or really enjoy life, I've just been worrying about my future and current problems. I am at my mother's house for a while. The best thing about this place is my animals (and the food). My cat Chloe is essentially attached to me at the lap, every time I sit down, she must be on it. Like right now. And last night. It is so comforting to have a warm little vessel keeping me company at all hours of the night, as my eyes glaze over from the glow of the computer screen, and my face starts twitching from lack of sleep. She has a kind heart. I need a kind heart during days like these. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to return to my university next year. I'm pretty sure that I'm 19, and having a mid-life crisis. The future freaks me out. Will I have a good job? Will I meet someone? Will I be fulfilled? Sometimes it seems to be a bleak and empty road. It's hard to not push myself, to not stress over what I cannot control. And it's hard to make everything sincere.
During days like these, my absolute favourite thing is to take my dog for a walk at twilight, the spring breeze on my face. Even though my suburban neighbourhood is comparable to a hell with sidewalks, where the neighbours walk around at 8 on a Tuesday night with Budweisers in their hands and their kids left to wither away, the trails nearby are still tolerable. My dog can get her fill of pond-smells and muck, and I can take a deep breath.
During days like these, I can finally take a break without feeling guilty. I can watch movies, television, and read real books without feeling guilty. I can take a step back. I can assess.
During days like these, I have too much time to think. I have too much time to worry. I have too much time alone, and far away.
2 comments:
Well, Renata, you can say you've had two successful university years under your belt...despite this year being...er...a challenging one? I feel the same way as you do, but I'm just exiting FIRST year. I'm going to fail two classes, and I feel all those same emotions.
I'm also home, seeking bliss while I am on break between the time when classes end and exams begin. I can't wait for the next 9 days to pass me by, so that I can return home for good and get this all behind me. For now, I'm enjoying this while I can.
Keep your head up and think positive. You can fix it, if worse comes to worst. Whatever happens, things'll turn out alright... it just might require some effort. =o)
~ Jesse
Hey Renata,
Have you talked to any advisors at your school?
I had a tough year last year and talked to my professors individually.. I took an incomplete in two classes and made up the work gradually over the course of 2 semesters.
Also, I'm probably going to fail my stats course this semester, but there is the option of auditing it -- like taking it again next semester for 0 credits and using the new grade.
But if you're just done with school, like, you feel like you've gotten enough out of it by now, then all the more power to you!
Just relax.. You're so young, there's so much out there for you. Maybe you can take a year off, and see how you feel. Don't worry..! Enjoy being young and wonderful.
<3
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