This Is My Syntax.

The ones I liked the most, I couldn't keep. I live my life expecting minimal things- from others, that is. I assume that if it's happened once, it will never happen again, and if it does, it is completely unexpected. I remember moments forever. Sometimes I remember them too well, for too long, until I'm sick inside with longing and the feeling of intense inadequacy. I am often a hater. And for that hate, I wish that all I had was love, I wish hate wouldn't consume me and turn me inside out. If I could go back to every lovely and wonderful moment in my life and live them again, over and over until every last ounce of disappointment and the almost-regret were gone.. If I could only make things the way they were before.

Never have I felt such raw emotion. It must be this time in my life- and I'm sure it's just the beginning. All of the sorrow my heart can hold fills me up now- the more things I try to fill up on, the less I feel, and the more I understand. The less I think, the less I sleep- trying just brings more. I can't sleep anymore for the worry, the wondering, the planning and the hoping. I need to be the most authentic. I never want to pretend, or to bend, I want to be me and no one else. I want to grasp the concepts of life- the living breathing dying moments everyone shares.

I hope everyone's eyes are open, I hope they see the world instead of needing to block it out. I need to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that the people I love will never spiral into a big black hole and give up on life. Because there is so much to see. There is so much to look forward to. I hope to always be the bigger person, even though I hate them for taking what I love away from me.