What I Hate The Most.

If I am alive this time next year,
will I have arrived in time to share?
Mine is about as good this far.
I'm still applied to what you are.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.


I do refuse to spam my blog with sappy stupid song lyrics, but unfortunately Sufjan Stevens is sitting in my psyche and won't leave until I express some of my pain anti-joy. Maybe we just need the ones we love to love us back just as much. If ______ loved me like I love him we'd be together, no questions asked. But it's because we're not and it's because he's so elusive that I like him so much. If I had him, I don't think I'd feel so strongly. What if I had him and I wished he were someone else? It would be ruinous, and devastating, and heart-breaking. I wish I didn't dream about him all the time, I wish I could end this feverish state.

For now, though, my only plan of action is to be as elusive as he, be as elusive as I can, so that he will miss me and miss everything that is me.

Anyway, although I'd love to write something else, I find it's just about impossible. I like to have a theme with my entries, because it's the easiest for me to categorize.

I wish I hadn't seen you drive past me tonight. I wish I had ignored the fact that it was you, and I wish I hadn't walked every street with my headphones off in an attempt to a) see your car and b) hear the sound of thrashing guitars to lead me to you. I wish I wasn't here, and that I hadn't known you were jamming tonight. I wish your band didn't practice in my neighbourhood. It would be so much easier to ignore you that way. It would be so much easier to ignore you if I was far away, far away from all the pain you cause my heart.

I'm sorry if I've Renata'd you out.

Please come to me one day, and not only in my dreams. Come to me with love, with all the love you have in your heart, and make it mine. Give it to me with the earnest sincerity about you that I hold so dear. Please don't lie to me. I'm going to stop now. I hope you come around.