The Darkening Sky

I love Calgary in the fall. I've only been back for a week now, but everything I love about here, everything new to love is almost overwhelming in how happy it makes me. It is my own city, something that I've molded to my liking. I've made my own memories here. There are evenings in my backyard, where the sky is a dark blue with the sun almost down, the tall spruce tree whispering as the wind caresses every single needle. It is so quiet in those moments that my entire life is clear to me.

Today, on the bus on the way to work, I looked out the window and noticed the snowy mountains to the west, only visible in that moment because we were traveling on an overpass. Nowhere else would that view be an every day occurrence. Calgary has it's own special meaning to me. It's quiet kitchens with a good book, CBC radio, and a cup of tea. It's wind-blown grey days when every molecule is electric. It is me often alone, but never lonely. I found my soul here. It keeps me grounded and every piece of me is magnified, prepared for constant healing and creativity. Calgary is my balance.

"(59) Tell her how you feel while you stand at the foot of the huge bed and look upon her sleeping body, while cursing yourself for being a ghost whose words cannot be heard by the living."
- One hundred ways to say I love you

Cue The Bibles

My life during these past few weeks has been: Ridiculous: A Tale of Woe, Success, Passion, and Everything In Between. I have garnered myself two new jobs, one at a wonderful, comfortable boutique hair salon called Catalina, and the other at the prestigious and renowned Peterborough clothing store, Flavour. I suppose with anything good comes anything bad, as well. For example, my new job at Flavour? It's probably one of the hardest jobs to get in downtown Peterborough, which makes it awesome that I got it, but they're also only giving me one shift a week so far. And that, my friends? That will NOT pay my rent.

I've been trying to go for as many runs as possible, lately on a new night-time route on the outskirts of downtown Peterborough, to East City (across the river) and through a beautiful park. It is so freeing. The moon is often out and I can finally see the stars. There is truly nothing like it.

This past week has shown me that there are so many things that I want, and so many things I can have. I just need to find a way to match the two up.

Nothing Without Sacrifice

There is a cafe across the street from my new house, one that I can see from my attic bedroom's window. I can see the people inside, chatting and laughing and evidently enjoying their moments. Everything I need is a walk away, whether it's milk or a shoulder to cry on. I am starting to love my life here. Peterborough is more full of interesting shops and restaurants and cafes than ever before. It's become a catalyst for my new life, where I've met new and wonderful people, and where I finally feel that I've found my niche. All I need now is a job.

In the afternoons, I like to sit by the river with a coffee and ponder my fate, read a book, or just listen. I like being surrounded alone on the edge, where nothing can touch me and time doesn't pass. New music is constant. I love living on my own again, and having my own time and space; although at times there is too much of both. No one expects me to wake up at any particular time, because I am not expected anywhere. Of late, I have enjoyed random hang-out time with any variety of people from my past or new to me recently. A new way of living has touched me, turning me to gold like the hands of Midas. I feel as if the world has opened up to me, that there is so much I have yet to learn and feel, and I have only barely skimmed the surface.

My bed sits under the slanted roof of the house, which is at an appropriate attic angle, and is a cozy nook where I can dream freely. My bed creaks, the window has no screen, and the street I live on is often noisy, which I am beginning to get used to. The sun streams into my room in the afternoon, and there is often a wonderful breeze flowing through. For October, the weather is unreal and so, so welcome. Almost every day has been completely spectacular. I must get out with my camera before the leaves are gone and the sky has turned to slate. I am living so perfectly right now.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

I honestly never thought I'd come to this conclusion, this decision, this totally fucking crazy reasoning... With hardly any money, wanting to move back to Ontario! I've loved my year of adventure, of course I would, but recently I've discovered that I miss my friends even more. Perhaps it's part of growing up and realizing that it's okay to need something or somebody or numerous somebodies. I've been looking back lately, and have realized that everything memorable happened with the people I care most about. In the places that are the most familiar and even though it's Ontario, there is something about it. Perhaps that I grew up there. Perhaps that most of my family is still there. I'm not sure. All I know is that this decision is scary, wonderful, flawed, and somehow unchangeable. This is what I want. It won't be easy, or all perfect.

But right now? This is what I need.

Paper Hearts & Photographs

The thing with photographs is that sometimes you can tell exactly how the photographer is feeling the second they take the picture. Some photographs are so filled with love or intensity that they are visible to the naked eye, so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. As a photographer, I wish I was never capable of disappointing myself. For example: for every one photograph I've taken that I love, there are about 15 more that I feel are a waste of film. I know it's impossible to be perfect, or to always get it right, but it's still so crushingly disappointing. I can't stop, though. I will always strive for that perfect picture.

Summer is very quickly coming to a close. A week ago, I drove to Vancouver with my friend Miranda, who is moving there, and flew home last Wednesday night. It was such a welcome reprieve from my daily life in Calgary, which is at best satisfactory, and at worst monotonous. I got to take almost 3 rolls of film during the trip, most of the pictures hurried and uninspired, but even just using my camera again felt fantastic. Lately, the hot weather has subsided, and in its wake is a gorgeous midday temperature and a completely bearable breeze.

We move again in 3 weeks. It seems September is always a time for reinvention, for the change I thrive on and long for. This time last year I was still at camp, getting ready to go home and face the task of moving across the country. This year, I am enjoying random weekends and nights out, camping in places called Ghost Lake, walks through the city on summer evenings, time spent by the river and in noisy brewery-style restaurants with cold beer in hand. If you ask me, quite auspicious. I like the sounds of this.

Deserts & Darkness

It's another one of those mornings where I have an endless pot of coffee at hand and time to myself. It's one of my rare days off. I'll be working 45-50 hours a week for the next month, with some days off here and there, until I give my notice. That's right! I'm quitting! The last 10 months of my life have been spent (with exception, of course, for my month away) in a consumer-driven, artificially-lit, stale-air circulated mall. It feels like some kind of waste. But what else is work? Ideally, I would've been working outside this summer, as a camp counsellor, landscaper... Anything, really. I've been so starved of the lovely summer air that I take any chance I get to be outside.

Last night, I walked my dog as the sun dipped behind magnificent thunderheads to the west. The air in Calgary has been uncharacteristically humid (which does NOTHING for my hair) and I watched carefully for coyotes as we walked through a school field. I love that spot, because I can see the lights of downtown, the mountains, Canada Olympic Park, and so much more, like a 360 degree IMAX movie. I watched the lightning gather as we walked home. It's been hot and stormy here for the past 5 or 6 days, with houses in the city getting struck by lightning and flash-floods.

I have a hard time believing that it's almost August. Time has been flying. I'll be 21 in less than 2 months, and as of September 6th, I'll have lived in Calgary for an entire year. I'm hoping to get back to school sooner than later, but there is so much more I want to do. It all comes down to money, of course, and I will have to decide. I'm hoping to visit Ontario for a couple of weeks in September because I miss my friends so terribly. That is the only thing I don't like about living so far away: that I'm so far away from almost everyone I care so much about.

And, last but not least:
Saturday, July 21st: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Even that's enough to make me quit my job.

Infinity's As Near As It Is Far

Here I am, back after a long hiatus! I apologize for the lack of blog entries for the last month... I've been working, uninspired, and otherwise occupied. It feels like eons since I was in Europe, and I miss it more than is humanly possible. Even though it seemed like work and was so exhausting at times, the monotony of everyday life is even more so. I'd love to be away again, even if it's just in a lakeside cabin with good food, friends, and some old-fashioned partying. It's summer.

This week begins the Calgary Stampede! People have started rampaging the store where I work for plaid, denim, and cowboy hats. It's nice to come home after a full day of hard work and have a rest, because I know I'll be back at it soon enough (for example, tomorrow morning. Work, eat, rest, sleep, work)... I've begun an obsession with crossword puzzles (usually I try to fit them in at work). I'm trying to keep afloat with all this activity, as well as get in some quality runs and time to myself. I haven't even been writing or photographing (both of which I hope to catch up with soon).

Last night I watched Donnie Darko (647th time for me.. probably) and I got this wonderful, reassuring feeling from it. I think I've accepted fully that it's true, every human being on this earth dies alone, and I'm not afraid. What if the world were empty? We live our lives so entertwined.. But what else is there for us? I've been questioning my existence lately and as always, am experiencing several existential revelations. Watching Donnie Darko helps.

It's one of those hot summer nights where I'd love nothing better than to fall asleep under the stars. I don't know where my life has gone, how is it already July? What's next? I want to keep this month the same, live it a couple times before I'm ready to let it go. I don't want my summer to disappear. Come, friends, and we'll go live in a cabin by the lake, days in the sunshine and summer neverending.

There's Only Now, No Ever After

Hola mi amigos.
I haven't had time to write a fascinating new blog post, however, I HAVE had time to update my photoblog.

Life in Colour

I'll be posting new photos every couple of days. Enjoy!

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Hi everyone!
I'm home now. For now. I will update properly very soon!

Wales

Here I am in North Wales. On orange juice, instead of saying "with pulp", it says "with juicy bits". And HobNobs are "Nobbly, Oaty Biscuits". NOBBLY. I love it. Also I've been up for an uncountable amount of hours. Goodnight.

Here I Am

So the official countdown is on. I have four more days of work, one day off (tomorrow), and then on Tuesday at 3:40pm, I'll be in line at the airport to check in for my flight.

Calgary is a miserable mess of blowing snow, a cold wind, and the dreariness of having to be here for another 5 days. It's a terrible feeling, knowing I'm going somewhere, not being able to speed time up, and knowing I have so much to do before I go. The real problem, though, is not really knowing WHAT I need to do. I think about it, I come up with no real answers, and the feeling remains.

Another thing. What does the word "backpacking" even mean? To me, it's wearing myself into the ground by exploring cities top to bottom, an espresso at a corner cafe, sleeping anywhere that's soft-ish and horizontal, writing in my journal between cities on the train, eating baguettes and cheese and local fruits from the market in the square, keeping my eyes open, and having my camera ready at all times. Not to mention meeting people from around the world and drinking myself stupid on local wine. That is my vision. However, I get the distinct feeling that my traveling companions will have a different idea of how things will be done, and also that "sleep" and "utter relaxation" is on their top-5 list. Am I right? I sure hope not!

Of course, we'll try to shower as much as possible, and maybe sleep some (although I know I will.. get me tired enough and I'll sleep standing up, with my eyes open, while having a conversation with you), and real meals may or may not be a regular part of our lives. Sarah, I hope you learn to like pizza. Because I will be eating it. A lot.

Fare well.

We Gathered In Spring

I've spent the last week in my own version of Vacation Planning Hell. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed this Hell immensely, but every small detail about this trip has begun to consume my being. When I get home from work, I go to the hostel website and compare. Or I go to a travel website and look at Tips (oh, I love those tips.) Or I talk with one of my compadres on the trip about the trip, where we're going, and

Today, on my day off, I went to the travel/adventure store and bought all sorts of random accessories (accessories are right up there with tips) and just spent the afternoon trying to figure out minute details.

I've received my Eurail pass by FedEx, and I think it's about time I had a vacation... From planning my vacation.

Wish me luck.

It's Rolling

I've finally booked my flight to London. Up next on my travel planning agenda is:
+contacting all of my British friends
+planning a route
+purchasing rail passes
+acquiring supplies
and
+LEAVING.

I fly to London Heathrow on April 24th.

Also, stay tuned to my photoblog site (http://renataphotographs.blogspot.com), as I will be posting a couple updates (photos from my trip to Texas!).

Keep it real, dawgs.

So Begins Our Alabee

College Station, Texas
6:20pm Central
Wednesday, March 14th 2007
Thunderstorming rain

You're my only softness, you're my only pleasure, it's true
And I never want to be your little friend, the abject failure.

I Still Remember

I am continually stunned by how quickly time passes. I resolved to make a post every week, at the very least, and I've failed myself already! It's still been puking snow here in Calgary, every day filled with fluffy snowflakes that get caught in my eyelashes as I walk to work. It's March now, and I'm crossing my fingers and shaking my bum and hoping that the weather will clear, I'll have good luck when I go to Houston on the 11th and get some sun, and that I'll be able to find the answer to my various dilemmas. I hope the answers will come to me in my sleep.

I leave for Houston in just over a week to visit Ashley, who I love like a sister, and I can't wait for the vacation from work. I'm just so tired all the time. I need to be refreshed somehow. I need something new, and exciting, something new and exciting that I can't buy with money. Believe me, I've tried. My store has started getting in tons of fabulous spring clothes, dresses and shorts and tanks and cute wallets and oh, I can't even begin. The short of it is that these things give me hope. And oh, I need hope.

Open Season

It hasn't stopped snowing in Calgary for the last week. All day, every day, it's been this fine, light snow that covers everything and refuses to stop. Yesterday, the boys and I drove up to Lake Louise to snowboard in the mountains. We got there just after the sun rose and rode all day, among the first 10 people to get on the chairlift. The best part was taking two lifts to The Top of the World, which is about 3000 feet above sea level, above the fog, and peaks all around us rose above the fog like islands in the sea. I feel truly at home here.


Tomorrow is the day I get my wisdom teeth out. I'm loaded up with three (3) bottles of pills, I have three (3) days off, and I'm prepared to eat soft foods and watch movies for those 3 days straight. Happy Valentine's Day, Renata. Here's some codeine. Drown out the pain.

On Saturday I bought three new CDs. This is a new thing. I haven't bought CDs for probably a year or two, which is a damn shame because gosh, buying CDs is fun! I just remembered this. I bought The Dudes Brain, Heart, Guitar, Feist Open Season, and Swan Lake Beast Moans. This is the cold comfort of the in-between, a sad sorry state as I'm waiting around for you.


I want to be able to get out of my comfort zone and to stop being so afraid of real life that I pretend I don't care. Because I do, I really, really do. I can't even begin to imagine what's ahead for me.

And now:

To a friend,
...It's only taken you 3 months to realize that I still exist, that I'm here living and breathing just like you. You always do this, and expect me to just come right back, when it's convenient for you, when you need me again. But what happens when I don't need you anymore? Do you remember those days we spent? I always wonder how much any of it meant to you, those nights we'd go to Hockley and sit under the stars, and talk and talk. The endless miles in the car, crossing the country. The time was ours, always ours... I knew the day would come, the day you'd ask me in not so many words to bring you back into my life. I don't know anymore. You're never who I think you are. You're a master of your craft.
I'll stay in time, and watch you pass by.
Love, Renata

Isn't it just? Maybe one day I'll get to actually send this to you.

But Sometimes

Sometimes it all just hurts too much.

Last Night, I Had A Dream.

And in this dream, I got to freak out at and confront my former best friend (ooooh, you say, an EX-BEST-FRIEND?!) and oh, it felt good. Unfortunately, I'll most likely never be able to do this in real life because there is a very small chance I will see him again (which, in itself, is disappointing). Never has a confrontation felt so good, albeit unsatisfying. Maybe one day I'll get to do it for real.

Lately, I've felt very reclusive and hermit-y, although (or because) I work in a mall 50 hours a week, and haven't felt like doing much of anything that includes other people. Even emailing and messaging and telephoning are too much for me. I feel bad about this, because usually I am the queen of communication. So if you are reading this, and haven't heard from me in a while, I apologize. The best I can offer is that I hope I'll snap out of this soon. Otherwise, it was nice knowing you?

I'll be in Houston, Texas from March 11th until March 17th. Yee-haw!

One Fell Swoop

I think the thing that scares me the most is how serious he seems sometimes, and if that seriousness was directed at me, I would vaporize. It's what I can't see that affects me the most. It's that seriousness, and his age, and how much I want it to happen. Those are the worst. And the worst of the worst is having a tongue tied, horrifying, unending moment where I can't say what I want to say. That moment will exist forever in my nightmares.

There is a place at the top of my neighbourhood (it's hilly, imagine it) where at night, I can see downtown and Canada Olympic Park and all of the neighbourhoods and streetlights in between. I like to go there when the wind is blowing, so that I can pretend that it can help me fly.

I'm still enjoying life now, more than most days, and I'm so glad to feel alive again. I wish it weren't so easy to be selfish.

Playgrounds Are Graveyards

And all of our scars are permanent.

I've returned from Toronto (on Monday morning, in fact) after sleeping in an airport, lots of eating, seeing Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton on the Danforth, so many buses and trains and planes that I couldn't even keep track.

It's 2007, everybody, so let's begin anew.

I've been thinking hard about my next tattoo. I've found an artist that does excellent work, and am seriously considering getting a picture this time (unbelievable, I know), so I just need to decide what. I usually get flashes of inspiration and am always completely happy with what I get, but this time I have none and thus will be unhappy with an impulse. I'll keep you updated.

It's terrifyingly cold in Calgary, again, and although I am going to hate myself tomorrow morning, I am going to walk to the gym in the snow and give 'er. After the wind-down from Christmas, work is mind-numbingly boring and I've been spending somewhat regrettable amounts of money in the mall in compensation (lululemon, half-price calendars, a new flatiron, a new bath loofah, why? Why? Why?).

Considering my many useless and somewhat overambitious ideas of late, I've actually come to a conclusion: I love Calgary. I am staying in Calgary. I am going to go to school here in Calgary starting in the fall and I may or may not have a 3 year plan that begins and may or may not end in Calgary. Within this 3 year plan is a few months of travelling, lots of months of schooling, and hopefully at the end an actual career. We'll see how this goes. It's actually horribly exciting to have a firm plan that might take me somewhere, and I can't think too much about it or I might explode into little tiny atoms of excite!

And now, as I shiver alone in my room, typing and listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack & score, I leave you with this:
Is the past automatically better than the future, or vice versa? And why?
Thanks, Emily.




Goodnight, moon.